And as I see myself in the past, I became in-touched with my faith-life that helped me see clearly my vocation which tells me at this very moment that I am indeed, called… at this very moment…

Indeed, a life reflected is a life lived.

- Look into my “grounded” spirituality from daily life perspective.

- Deepening the “engaged contemplation”

- Song: “Hangarin ng Puso Ko, Yahweh” – my responsorial Psalm?

My Doing

- continuing formation for openness, focus and simplicity of life

- “Do whatever he tells you!

My Thinking

- Total freedom to be totally committed

-This is it!

- A Spirituality Center in Lake Sebu

My Feeling

- Overwhelmed and excited – fear no more, walang atrasan, I’ve been to this

- Calm and serene – a new wineskin

My Person

- Minimalist – poverty + lifestyle

- A novice to Christian Zen

- “I’m Martha!”

My Vocation-Mission

- Prayer life : “engaged contemplation”

- To deepen my understanding, not as escapism

Old photos helped me to recall my experiences since my first profession.

- I was thinner during my first profession.

- We were two novices who professed.

- I had a very short haircut, almost a skinhead type.

- The theme we chose was, “I am your servant, let it be done to me.” 

Things have changed since that day. Just today, those noticeable changes, I can say, are significant to me and to my vocation. At the moment, I’m trying to reduce my weight. How irony, when in fact, I must have become thinner because of my ministry. Was I stressed a lot that I ate too much and grew bigger now? It just started during my third year of ministry in Dadiangas.

Mitch and I were extremely opposite. We were not really close but we’re able to make up our shortcomings since were two when we entered the novitiate. He left due to reasons I don’t really know personally. It took a year before I had a chance to meet him by asking him to join me for in Marbel since the time he left the congregation. I admit that I was affected with his departure. Being alone now, a 50 % survival rate, as some would say, is somehow difficult. I feel I’m a minority every time the non-perpetually profess brothers would gather. That’s just how I feel.

Shaving my hair is not really out of style but of its significance. It’s about Zen principle, maybe silly to hear but it’s because of the Buddhist monks. Another reason I have why I have this haircut: there’s something important happening or decision I’m making every time I have this.

This time, the theme we had during first profession seems to be irrelevant now, or should I say, I have a new and more relevant prayer theme. It is, “Do whatever he tells you.” This time, I’m the one choosing it from my reflections and experiences; unlike the former which Mitch and I chose it as a fruit of our preparation for our first profession of vows.

Scholasticate stage was more of academic struggle. I enjoyed our classes outside together with other religious coming from different congregations. Aside from studies, our every Saturday activity, the Apostolic Formative Activity, became a practicum for me as a religious brother.

AFA places I have been to:

Payatas Dumpsite – with children at the Children’s Center

Balubad Resettlement Area

Asilo de San Vicente

Of all the children whom I encountered during my 3-year Scholasticate, Paulo made a big impact on my part. He, somehow, appears to be a challenge to me sometimes, a typical orphan.

For one year every Sunday I would visit the Asilo together with another two brothers. Paulo taught me how to play chess. It was just an ordinary Sunday morning, a time intended for tutorial, when we were playing chess – I was challenged.

The Stranger on a Chair

My past longing to become a priest was challenged during my first attendance to a Module Class on Retreat-giving and Spiritual Directing in Cebu. The analogous image I used to recall this long and significant experience was an empty chair. Literally, there was an empty chair beside me when I was having a conversation with a Diocesan priest who happened to be my classmate on the same course. We just exchanged information until we shared our personal vocation stories. After mentioning to him about my previous desire to become a priest, he urged me to go back and check any possibilities of becoming a priest. I was challenged by his words. After a week of somehow a struggle about his words, I realized that God maybe saying something about my present status as a brother. God was like this stranger priest seating next to me in an empty chair.

PERSONAL, COMMUNITY AND MINISTRY

These three areas are interconnected. My personal life sometimes is defined by what I do and how am I with my community. What do I do sometimes is because of who I am now as a religious brother and the community is always the place where I am always at home, where my vows are expressed well.

Every morning, as I begin my day with the Eucharist, I am resolved that it’s another day to fulfil my duties to the ministry. When I go home and felt tired, I also take a rest without forgetting how the day did goes well.

First assignment: Kidapawan Community- The first love.

Marikina Community – Intimate closeness with the Afternoon Shift Class – Full of passion and enthusiasm with the first year students.

Change of ministry assignment during my second year at Dadiangas community – getting more serious.

Attachment to the young – a manifestation of my capability to have a family of my own yet resolved now as a religious brother.

For the past five years from my first profession, I have realized that my vowed life is more dedicated for others rather than self-serving profession. Yet my profession has given me much grace to see God’s love for me. Despite of my limitations and weaknesses in the ministry and in the community, he always brings me to my formative experiences, religious and spiritual experiences, interactions with all his creations, in struggles, difficulties, joys and inner happiness and contentment. The Lord continues to shower his graces I need to let the seed sprout and grow in his love.

Note: Some lines were intentionally omitted/edited/removed from my original journal composition. Grammar not checked.

Compassion

My whole family had to move to Palawan when I was 4-years old. We had to leave our house and that includes our pet, a one-eyed orange cat. I can still remember that cat. After a year, we came back. The house where we stayed was not there anymore, and also our cat. I overheard from the stories of our neighbour how the cat stayed on that place where he used to until he’s gone. Learning about the cat, I felt pity for it and eventually, missed that cat. From pity to compassion, I learned the feeling of being abandoned and how to take care of the abandoned, I learned the word compassion in that experience, not knowing the term, but I experienced it. 

The Blood of Christ

Every Sunday, my grandmother would bring me with her to a Pentecostal Church. I was 5 years old. During the bible service, there was a part when a small cup of a wine is given to each member of the congregation. My grandmother managed to let me sip a little of it. It was a grape-juice! It was part of the communion rite which I learned later as I grew up as a Catholic.

First Bible

My grandmother (mamang’s aunt) was also influential to my religious awakening. She belongs to a born-again denomination. At early age, maybe I was 13 years old when I bought my first Bible from Back to the Bible Society worth 5 pesos. It was a Tagalog version that includes Old and New Testaments. For one year, I was able to read it from cover to cover, an opportunity that, I can say, a beginning for me to know about the different bible personalities and stories. I admit that I was confused of the different Old Testament stories, of their inconsistencies yet I was just satisfied to learn about them.

Flores de Mayo

Together with my sister, we used to attend Flores de Mayo every summer in our barangay. Maybe it was out of nothing for a while yet from there, I learned the basic prayers and catechism. Eventually, I became a catechist as young as 13 years old every FLores de Mayo.

I still joined the group of young catechists during my high school days as my extra-curricular activity, and as an altar server at the same time.

Knight of the Altar

Since my first year in high school, I already served as an altar boy. Together with other servers, I served during our once-a-month Mass and every time the bishop visits us. The opportunity of being an altar server extended my service as prayer leader sometimes during our Wednesday novenas to the Mother of Perpetual Help. I even almost memorized the whole booklet of the novena.

A Catholic among the Protestants

Even if I was attending basic catechisms during Flores de Mayo, I seldom attend the Sunday Mass or Bible Service at the Catholic’s chapel. Instead, together with my sister, we go to a Protestant’s Church until I received the sacrament of the First Communion. We’ve been always accepted, and they were quite happy of our presence. I can still remember how we outwit them every time we have Bible Quizzes or Bible Drills. I was happy attending the Sunday school until the day I began to join the Catholic Masses after my first communion.

Every First-born Son is intended for God

After reading the bible for quite sometimes, I have learned from it how special the first-born sons of the Israelites are. Every first-born son is to be offered to God, just like the prophet Daniel who served Yahweh. I believed it.

That is how special I am also to my parents as they call me by a nickname, “Balong.” The nickname Balong is intended for the first-born son in ever Ilocano family.

My Father Was a Former Seminarian

Aside from being the “Balong” in the family, I also believed that my parents will allow me to enter the formation for priesthood. I had a strong inclination to become a priest. And yet since my father was a former seminarian and he knew how difficult it was to become one, they didn’t allow me.

It Will Just Come Back

It was very sharp in my mind that while I was crying for not permitting me to enrol at the pre-college seminary, my mother told me that my inclination to become a priest, if ever God is calling me to become one, it will just come back to me. I stopped crying and prayed instead, asking for forgiveness in behalf of my parents for not offering me as their first-born son to serve him.

World Union of Deists

May it was out of frustration that I have almost forgotten my desire to enrol at the seminary. I enrolled as a DOST-SEI Scholar taking up Industrial Technology major in Electricity. As a college student, I became more fascinated with books. I always spent most of the time at the library, and was even awarded as best book borrower one semester. Yet the books I’ve been borrowing were too far from my course of study. Those were philosophical books, anything from 0 to 100 in Dewey Decimal System. Later on, I found myself subscribing to newsletters and became member of World Union of Deists. It was a society that uses reasoning to prove God’s existence. It has a principle to defend God from the Bible. Since the organization believes not to the cruel God of the Bible, but to a God of reason. That was for almost two years. I received reading materials to read from them until I became passive with it. I had so many questions about God, his existence, and I was so confused of my faith. I stayed like that even until I graduated and worked in Davao and in Gensan.

Monday Masses

Despite of passivity in expressing my faith, I started to attend Masses every Monday when I was transferred to Gensan. Sundays were working days for me and I find time to attend mass every Monday afternoon at OLPGV.

Sister’s Act

This part of my experiences maybe was just one of the answers to my questions in life, my contentment and discontentment as a young professional. I visited my family but this time became a turning point for me. The brochure that my sister brought home became instrumental how did I find the Marist Brothers. She, my sister, was an instrument. And through that experience, to make my story short, I joined the Marist formation in spite and despite of the opportunities waiting for me to be a comptroller of one of the companies at the seaport. I was call to report for duty yet I declined and told them, “I think I just found my happiness here.”

Pray and Persevere

This phrase became unforgettable for me. It was the words of Br. Larry during The ritual for our Postulancy stage. Indeed, those words I took as part of my daily prayer since then, “Let me persevere and ever grow in your love so that I will become and die as a good and faithful Marist Brother.”

Monthly Visitations of Papang

When I reached the postulancy stage, I noticed that my father would visit me once a month at the formation house. And I realized his support to my on-going quest for God. He was with me in my journey.

Admittance to the Novitiate

One of the happiest moments after a year of formation was when I was accepted to become a novice. Meaning, I will be experiencing initially the life of being a vowed person, as a preparation for a deeper commitment, the first profession of vows.

Taking the Habit

As I took my habit as a religious, my parents were here behind me while reciting a prayer of consecration to Mary, a prayer which I personally composed. It was an intimate moment when my father and mother were just behind me.

First Experience of Death in my Family

Just after a month, my father passed away due to illness. It was three o’clock in the afternoon of the first Friday of the month. It was our prayer day and I was at the chapel at that moment. I was just told during the evening prayer at six in the evening. How the events turned to be an opportunity for me to call God deeper love, it was one of the turning points for me to see God in that death experience.

Few days before he died, I was able to talk to him. We were both crying for he was giving his final blessing to go on for my chosen path of life. Dramatic… I felt I was a first-born son of an Israelite at that very moment.

Image of a Prodigal Father

After a year of gradual healing from my father’s death, the Holy Week retreat gave me a religious experience to realize how God takes care and longs for his son. The image from the story of the prodigal son in the gospel became a very vivid experience I had during my prayer time. He used the image of my earthly father, by expressing his compassion and longing for me. He hugged me and suddenly I felt the warmth of his love, of his joy. I didn’t hug back, I was confused. I became a beloved sceptic.

A Missionary Novice with a Family Problem

A year after became a test for me: mother-sister problem. I was in Jolo that time when the family problem happened. I was tempted to go home yet pondered about what I should do if I’m home, I was sure that going home would be useless. Being far yet with constant communication, God gave me the chance to detach myself from my mother’s and sister’s affair. They were able to resolve our family problem even I was far away from them.

Community – Jolo

My missionary novice-ship went well, in general. But the community was not an ideal community. That community must have given me discouragement and I would have just finished my novice-ship and went home for good. But it was the opposite that happened. My experiences in Jolo were so very reach of God’s intervention. The people who supported me, the reality I saw in my community and the daily Mass, strengthened me to profess my vows despite and in spite of what I have witnessed.

From the reflected experiences, I realized that God works in many subtle ways. He used persons, special events and even tragic or sad moments in order for me to see him. The first gift these different scenarios were the memory itself, that recalling and reminiscing them gave me a word to pray, and that is gratefulness. I am grateful for the gift of being reflective, for being able to look back and see these as part of my call to become a religious brother. He is a God of wonders, a familiar stranger to my daily struggles and joys; familiar because I believe that he was with me and still with me, stranger because he seems to be anything or someone whom I always encounter.

Note: Some lines were intentionally omitted/edited/removed from my original journal composition. Grammar not checked.

“I want to see!” – Mk 10:46-52

Jesus asked the blind man, “What do you want me to do for you?” And just like him, I want to see! Not to see what’s in my future, but for today, I want to see myself in your presence, I want to see me in you, Lord! How lovely is your dwelling place, it’s nice to be here, it’s nice to be back, how lovely is our dwelling place! And I long for you, Lord! 

It seems difficult for me to at least get rid of my concerns from the apostolate at the moment, are my school tasks trying to distract me? Or maybe somehow they help me realize how far or how am I now on my time spending with you, Lord.

After I left the Grotto this morning, I was reflecting on the image of an empty mug – that brought me to the time when I was attending a retreat in Malaybalay as part of our preparation for Postulancy. Self-emptying has always a significant role in my preparations, just like today.

Magnificat!

I had a great chance to join with the formands of OND, OMI and Marist Brothers this afternoon during the adoration time. It was fitting, timely and I prayerfully reflected on the image that came out to be an answer to my prayer today: the grace of deep longing for God and the grace to empty myself and be filled by the presence of the Lord.

And this afternoon, during the adoration, I felt I wanted to sing in the presence of the Lord! The novices sang the “Magnificat” which added to my joy while a colourful image of a person was dancing with the tune. But behind the person, a larger figure seems to be dancing with him. I drew the image with a title, “Dwelling Place.” Why “Dwelling Place”? Because I felt God’s welcoming grace as I began this day for my retreat. How lovely is his dwelling place!

“All that I am sings of the God who brings new life to birth in me. My spirit soars on the wings of my Lord!” “How shall I sing to God when life is filled with gladness, loving and hurt, wonder…?”

Note: Some lines were intentionally omitted/edited/removed from my original journal composition. 

While we’re on our way, I decided to pass by the grave of my father to visit and ask for intercessions. I believe I was inspired to do it since I got a very good chance to visit him once more. It became part of my ritual, of my journey as I begin my retreat. For me, it was the most important and most meaningful retreat I have done.

The following paragraphs were written during the first day. 

“I’ve been waiting for this moment as a result of different experiences of confusions, doubts, guilt and longings. The disapproval of my original proposal gave confusion to my preparation’s status. I had doubts or shall I say, I began to doubt my experiences as I prepare for perpetual profession. I feel guilty of not doing anything for my proposals, I even felt rejected because of it. Yet today, my longing has been answered. I’m at the novitiate starting my retreat on a special day: Blessed John Paul II’s first celebration of his feast day. My retreat will be for 15 days, and it ends on a special day: my birthday, which I hope and pray that a new life will emerge after these days of prayer and contemplation, of dying and rising…

 After spending some time with Jojo; one of the novices, in buying my provisions for the next 15 days, I had a great time for walking and jogging at the Marian Hills Memorial Park. It’s been a long time since I had an opportunity  for physical exercises. I felt great after my activity. Aside from the physical effects of what I did, my memory of being a novice before came back to me. It feels like, it’s been a long time, and it’s nice to be back her again. I am hoping that I won’t regret choosing our own novitiate for my retreat place that will start tomorrow.”

Note: Some lines were intentionally omitted/edited/removed from my original journal composition. 

As a religious brother who is engaged into active ministry, I believe that I can still practice my chosen way of life while practicing zen. At least, I’m giving effort on how to start it. But where? When? The congregation’s life is an active-contemplative way of life. But now, I would like to re-define it, just for me, as engaged-contemplation. I stay engaged with the young least-favored while contemplating the presence of God in every experiences.

This coming 22nd, my personal 15-day retreat will start. I’m hoping that this retreat, which is part of my preparation to make a bigger and more serious decision in life, will be fruitful; meaning, hoping for enlightenment as I spend couple of days of discernment.

Easy to say? No, it’s not… But again, I’m trying… And so far, I’m not yet convinced to spend a life of monk-hood, just engaged-contemplation.

And so I ask myself, “Am I losing my balance now…? I hope not!” I can still go back and start again… Oh thoughts… I want silence now…