The Itinerants Path

I was tempted again to tell someone this afternoon, “What’s this, peace offering?” I’m sure, she would be shocked of my reaction after granting the group’s request to be around for a mini-farewell party. That’s the other side of me; sarcastic, direct to the point, direct and unreserved, easily hurts. I was able to hold my tongue back. One of my co-teachers was acting as the negotiator when some of my students wanted to talk to me, or rather “make peace” with me after the incidence that happened in my classroom during the last day of classes this March. It was not a peace offering… try to find out…

Those were the Days

As I always recall the day when I witnessed the situation of our classroom, it always brings me pain, here, deep inside (pointing at my heart) “It hurts, you know,” just like a radio teaser days. The chairs were scattered, the teacher’s table was turned upside down, the chalkboard was full of “good and bad” writings… whew! The saddest part of my school days here at NDKC. We’ve been to thick and thin experiences during the year, we struggled together during intramural and high school days, during inter-section competitions and many meaningful happy and sad experiences.

Teacher, Brother, Friend

At first, I had the difficulty playing the roles of being a teacher and at the same time, a Brother-friend to my advisory. Even until now, actually. I can be a student friendly or a friend to students. Expectations and standards set the rule. I always keep in mind that I became a religious brother first before I became a teacher (I learned that from my noviceship).

Days of Reflection

Realization came into me after two days of being away from school. In fact, what my students knew was that, I was away and can’t be reach after the days of final exam just to get lost and be calmed. I was just inside my room the whole day, stayed and licked my own woundedness while looking at our class picture from time to time ( picture  taken during the intrams). Maybe that day was a nice one in other way. I was able to finish checking all their test papers and started computing their grades. Unfortunately, I didn’t continue because I might have poured over my hatred to them by giving them low essay scores. I was aware how vengeful I was… “Vengeance is mine,” was one of my motto in life. I’m growing older, I also change, and hopefully, mature.

Beginning of Love

I was ask by a priest-friend last weekend, “what hurt you so much?” I replied, “they hurt me by doing those things to me.” He quickly responded, “Then, you must have a love for them!” I again reflected for a while and said, “Yes.” That was the most painful part of choosing to love them. I was with them for the school year, not only as a teacher, but their brother. Expectations built up and some of those were not met. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love them because I have high expectations from them to love back. It’s just painful, I felt it, and that made me a true human, not superman nor an angel. I think, that’s the beauty of loving; when you choose to love and feel you love them because they prick your heart and be hurt. Oh, just a reflection of mine….

Forgive and Forget.

This was always the content of my prayer, not only for me but for my students. I felt they were hurt also of what they have done. I sensed it when I never talked to them. There were anxiety and worries. Some of them really tried to talk with me earlier. But I asked for my sacred space for a while and they didn’t see for for few days, because I was very busy finishing all my school year-end requirements and was still savoring the pain (emo to the max!) Some of them came with their mothers apologizing for their child’s behavior. I didn’t give my direct answer. I asked to talk to their child and said, “You feel forgiven when you are able to make a difference starting at this very moment.” I was asking them to forgive their selves, too. But deep in me, I was struggling to forgive them one by one.

Teachers’ Year-end Recollection

It was a sort of “reco-licnic;” recollection and picnic at NDKC farm. The IBEd teachers went to the farm to have a year-end recollection with Fr. Rey, DCK as the facilitator. He was talking about lent, and a topic about forgive and forget was discussed. At the corner of my mind, I wanted to deny the essence of the discussion, which was always the content of my prayer. I was becoming inconsistent of what I was asking for and of what’s happening between my students and me. But at the end, during the liturgical celebration, I told myself, “It’s a process, and will gradually happens.”

The mini-farewell party

Some of my students were expecting me to grant their wish and that was to be around during a mini-farewell party for me. Most of them were the students whom I had conflict with (main topic I am talking about here). They gave their words of thanks and apologies, some got teary eyes, and some seemed can’t just express themselves seriously and one of them just sent a text message. But at that very moment, I was showing indifference because I was scared! I don’t want to cry, besides, I just woke up and not in the mood of showing feelings. Well, even though I had reservations whether they are serious about it or was just making peace. I made myself available and at the end I opened myself to possibilities and tried to listen to them, one by one… One asked, “Brother, do you forgive us now?” I was caught in the middle of the crossfire. Inside my mind, I was asking, “Do we have this just for you to ask forgiveness of the things you have done?” Yet I answered them calmly, “it’s not a question of forgiveness but, do we have the virtue to accept our mistakes?” “Forgive and forget”, Mother Teresa says, needs the virtue of humility to accept one’s and other’s mistakes. I needed it first before I was able to tell them, “I must be the one to apologize…. because I failed you all…” Suddenly they seemed to be astounded, maybe they got it as, I failed them in Values subject and Homeroom. ‘I failed some of your expectations from me…” I continued. Let’s forgive one another, then by forgiving ourselves, too. ( I already told them the same phrases when we had one-on-one conversation). In other words, we departed with light feelings… I have that this time, too! As of this moment, in fact, two of them are texting me. “Thanks for the time kanina… hoping no more hard feelings when you leave…” And the other one was saying, “I don’t want you to leave with problem with me…”

The other side of the Coin

“In every bad experience, there’s always a good side of it,” says Br. Ted who accompanied me the night after that experience. He is always a good Brother to me everytime I share to him my struggles in ministry. I hope and pray that this coming annual retreat, next week, holy week, I will be able to reconcile everything I need to make my life as a religious meaningful and worthy to share to others, thus making a difference, as a teacher and as a Marist Brother.

On this day..

• Ako ay Bilog - 2008