The Itinerants Path

Just a quick yet world blowing feeling of rebelliousness at the moment brings me to a realization about my experiences couple of days ago. I just feel tired maybe but it seems not. I just feel stress but seems unacceptable. I just feel rebellious. Anak ng pusa! I was just confirming my booking to use one unit of LCD from the  Marist School library and the librarian murmured, “Samok!” She’s not aware that I understood what she just said. I booked it yet she didn’t include me to the list of borrowers for the day. She overlooked my name. She’s… whatever. Good she has a spare unit to give.

My roommate noticed by sleeping problem, then another person noticed it also (I don’t have my own room yet, still sleeping on the floor in the computer room). I was gnashing my teeth! At first, I wasn’t alarmed about it. Maybe it was just a rare experience for me while I was asleep. Yet I was alarmed after I received another comment. I looked for reasons and asked my self about the causes of my restlessness. And I tried looking back… these may help me find the answers… I was stressed.

I was supposed to join the Apostolic Formative Apostolate with Br. Ace at Asilo in UN Avenue but I gave it up for our community meeting. Missing the kids is not really the point but to continue what I have started in that place. Being with them made me feel closer to those who are in need. I find solace with God in that place aside from just like those kids also, stress-free, though becoming more reflective about the realities of suffering and looking for meaning in life as orphans of the Asilo. It was great to be with them.

Spiritual direction with my former Spiritual Director was postponed. The community was away for an overnight recollection at Caleruega in Nasugbu, Batangas. It was a community life plan planning. All the members of the community were there for the purpose. Since I missed the spiritual direction, my longing for it becomes intense. I  appreciate and value these processes after I went through two-weeks of intensive training on Spiritual Direction and Retreat-giving in Cebu. I hope that sooner or later, I will be able to attend to my spiritual needs. Oh, thanks to Br. Roy for being around and being generous to me, listening to my experiences. It wasn’t enough though; he’s not my spiritual director but that was fine anyway. I’m looking forward for another Brother to accompany me. I’m just hesitant reminding him of our schedules. He’s from another community.

By the way, I meet my first spiritual director unexpectedly. I was just taking an afternoon bicycle ride around the village outside the Marist school when I passed by his house. He received me hospitably and I was quite happy to see him. I told him that what happened few years ago affected me much since he was the vocation director when I entered religious life. I just realized that once-a-month meeting with him was indeed a spiritual direction for I was able to find God in my daily experiences before I decided to become an aspirant. I was hurt also. Nobody noticed it but now, everybody moves on. I believe in second chance.

Although one of my brothers said that I can’t expect all the brothers to accompany as part of the community. I was pretty sad about that statement; as if he doesn’t need anybody. Well, everybody gets tired, frustrated and stressed in life. I accept that reality but how to cope with those is another challenging moments.

At the faculty room, I wrote “NO TO CON-ASS’” in a small piece of paper and displayed it on my table and it is also related to my other blog entry. I struggled a lot at first while staying inside the room. I am still adjusting to my new environment even at the moment. With the status quo, I seem to be rebellious and resistant with the present practices. I find a lot of discrepancy, power-struggle and inconsistencies. Or the worst, I am the one having discrepancy, power struggles and inconsistencies at the moment. Whatever are those. I just feel bored maybe, I just feel imbalanced.

Talking about balance, I’ve been watching “Avatar, the last airbender” lately. I enjoy the cartoon a lot but I can relate with it everytime I ask myself how is my prayer life at the moment. Everything must be balanced; community, apostolate and prayer life.