Practicing Safe Celibacy – Review

The article of Sr. Kathleen Bryant, RSC, “Practicing Safe Celibacy captured my attention when she mentioned safe sex at the first part. The contents of the whole article are relevant and contemporary for my own understanding. The words used are much understandable and very practical. Practical in a sense that the issues mentioned are not new yet still issues that many people especially those who are in the church face today; men and women religious alike. She wrote her article straightforward as if it is addressed to me directly. True, this is for me, and this is just one of the reasons why I choose this article to review and reflect. Another reason I choose this is that nobody is exempted in experiencing sexual tensions and loneliness, and this are the recent topics of our spiritual direction with my spiritual director. I am engaged to this kind of life, not a struggle but an engagement which I have voluntarily chosen. The challenge is on everyday choices and decisions to make according to the values in celibate life.

Sr. Kathleen expressed well her understanding about celibacy in her article. Moreover, she cited many helpful hints on how to live a celibate life to the full. She started with questions about safe celibacy which is very different from safe sex. And this safe celibacy is all about being fully alive as a human being. Her personal experiences with happy and contented celibates became her basis in writing this article. She is referring to her contemporary experiences that are not alien to me. I have heard a lot of this stories before and were confirmed when I joined the religious life. With this article I would like to quote on five points she mentioned; purpose of celibacy, celibacy is not for everyone, risks of celibates, needed behaviors, and dealing with sexual energy. These are just few of the many important points mentioned by the author that are easy to understand because of its contemporary language and ideas.

Sr. Kathleen observed from her experiences that many men and women lived a happy and contented life of celibacy. They were able to radiate lives that are truly celibate yet able to confront issues that a religious man or woman may experience like loneliness and the need for intimacy or more than that. She mentioned that her occasional lonely moments deepened her relationship with God. This is one of the purposes of celibate life, a freedom for her to be always on the go for others. This becomes life giving in service for others, being expose and immersed into different cultures. Celibate life is a call to love all, not an exclusive affair of the heart but for those who are unlovable, those who needs love and attention, thus being a presence of God to others while understanding these needy people of their needs to be loved. These are the purpose I am trying to live as a Marist Brother. There were and are lonely moments that occasionally come and become rhythm yet become sources of prayers and energy for apostolate. The freedom to reflect and to move on give me the courage to face my own tensions and longings. My sexual energies that come occasionally can be diverted or sublimated to more creative and life giving energy to the children I am with every Saturday, teaching catechism and values, even art and crafts. These ways also help me to understand myself more as a celibate and as a consecrated Marist and at the same time, understanding the people around me; the children and the young people who are assisting us.

“Celibacy is not for everyone,” the author said. Thus, it is not safe for anyone to be celibate. The wrong understanding about celibacy was that it is all about no sex, no money and no freedom that are not the true challenge of the vocation to be celibate. There are people who are gifted and able to live this kind of life, graced and were able to multiply themselves for the service of the Kingdom. These are the people who vowed consecrated life, transcending themselves beyond sex, money and power; and these are the same vows I professed and live as of this moment. I was asked one time during our vocation promotion in one of our Marist schools in the South about living the evangelical counsels. There questions were very tough to answer but just simply answering them that “if you try it, you will know what are these all about.” The truth was that I didn’t really know what to say to them. But as I reached the stage when understanding by living, I was able to appreciate and told myself that there is life in this kind of life for me, that I will not fail in my everyday engagement. In our own province, there are brothers who lived their vows faithfully and i can say they became holy with their struggles, maybe also from the beginning when they were still as young as me, when sexual energy was too strong to confront. I admire their faithfulness and creativity.

Yet, nobody is exempted in having sexual tensions and loneliness according to Sr. Kathleen. There were instances that some dedicated singles and married people struggle with sexual temptations and engage themselves into another relationship. She also mentioned that a person can fall in love seven times during his or her life. And this is something that I need to be prepared of, not to escape from but to face calmly, naming and owning the challenge. This manifests my being human who also falls in love yet can go beyond that longing. My own community can be of full support during these times. Praying and playing together, recreating and praying will enable me to see the value of celibacy and as member of the community of celibates.

Discipline is needed not only in behaviors but also in motivations. Choices are always given at all times. Being alert maybe not a healthy one but having common sense in decision making will help me also. The author in this article is saying about feeding the mind with beauty and not with anything that pollutes the mind and the spirit and the whole body. The negative influences of Mass Media are needed to be filtered and weighed whether they are healthy to me. Knowledge is important for somebody who lives celibate life. The physiological functions and the differences of my male body to female body. In addition to this, Sr. Kathleen mentioned about respect to others’ personal boundaries. There is this challenge of being affectionate at right time and right place. I cannot be affectionate in private places where only two of us are present. Allowing myself to be in a venue of temptation is not healthy as a celibate. I should know the proper places, personal boundaries of other people that I may avoid scandals and misinterpretations.

In dealing with sexual energy, being honest of feeling is healthy. Being truthful and faithful is necessary. Faithful relationship with God in prayers sustains and helps in living celibate life. Thus prayer is necessary to be aware of being dependent to God, that he alone can satisfy my needs. There are many ways to divert this sexual energies. Writing journal, art, music and playing are good way of sublimation. Being creative with others in the apostolate is being manifested when my energies are properly addressed. Sr. Kathleen mentioned four things that make a good celibate according to Fr. Bill Harema; that sex is always procreative, recreative and fun, transformative and social, being in relationship of service, friendship and family.

Lastly, proper information about celibacy is needed in living a celibate life. People, other than those who live celibate life, often misunderstand this way of life and often blame celibacy as source of sexual scandals, yet the fact according to Sr. Kathleen, is that sexual difficulties and inner psychological problems that gives rise to child sexual abuse. She is reiterating that sexuality is a gift and that body is good, and God is glorified in a healthy, alive person who go beyond sexual urgency to intimacy and service.